A Plan of Action

I look over pictures of all these thin and beautiful women, and I just think to myself, “how can my husband love someone my size? How can he find me the least bit attractive?” There is nothing about me that is sexy or appealing. I used to feel okay about myself, not great, but okay. Now I look and I am just so disgusted. I think I have given up sometimes when I look in the mirror and I catch a glimpse of the small frightened girl still struggling to break through the fat. I give up on so many things – what exactly am I afraid of? I think it would be easier to just not eat. But then like a robot I am reaching for the food. I push all thoughts of calories, fat, etc, out of my mind and I just gorge. Then I ignore it and hope silently and madly that it will all just melt away. Is it the hard work that I can’t do? Maybe I am that lazy. I look at pictures over and over and think “if only”. If only I could have that collarbone. If only I could have those arms. If only I could see what my face would look like thin. I am surrounded by fat. Who sees the real me? How can they with all this fat surrounding me?

So again I make the choice. The choice to act. What left haven’t I tried? Let’s see…
- Weight Watchers…check. Too bad they don’t give key chains out for joining 5 times.
- Atkins…check. Something had to be wrong with a diet that let me have bacon cheeseburgers.
- SlimFast… check. Exactly what counts as a sensible meal?
- Pills (of all kinds, shapes, prescription, non-prescription)…check. Damn testimonials. Gets me every time.
- HMR…check. Hmmm… 500 calories a day, all liquid? Who would ever need to eat again?
- South Beach…check. I didn’t even know they made tortillas smaller than a CD!
- Beverly Hills Diet…check. Fruit is expensive! Especially when it is all you can eat.
- Richard Simmons…check. I moved cards. Closed windows. Shook my booty to Sweatin’ to the Oldies. And cried when the weight came back.
- Body for Life…check. Worked out 6 days a week. Ate a balance of protein and carbs with some fat. Went to New Orleans 70 lbs. down – never returned to gym when I got home. Later thought how the hell did I get up 6 days a week at 4:30 am?
- 6Week Body Makeover…check. Blueprinted myself. Type A. Basically the fattest. Got to eat fish and more fish. Veggies and more veggies. Hmmm…could have saved $200.
- Jenny Craig…check. Got weighed in by a size 3. She smiled and patted my head. “I used to be heavy,” she whispers to me. She shows me her “fat” picture. A wink. “22 pounds gone forever.” She tells me. Huh. Wow.
- Fasting…check. Okay until I got so dizzy I passed out. Guess we can’t do this one forever.
- Starvation…half check. Well obviously that one didn’t work too long.
- PratiCAL…check. Let’s see, do you really mean I can have any prepackaged meal under 300 calories for lunch every day? Yippee! And reward myself with yogurt or a piece of fruit every afternoon? You are too kind.
- Online weight meetings, support groups, website buddies…check. Consensus : 3 motivated people who have lost over 65 lbs., 100 people asking them how they did it, 2 people who really do write you back but stop as soon as they have a bad day.

So what remains for someone like myself? I have tried and failed at dozens and dozens of diets. It is not to say that any of the above don’t work. They didn’t work for me. I needed something else. Something that I didn’t get from any one program, book, doctor visit, or lesson. I needed to know myself. What can I realistically do for the rest of my life? I am never going to stay away from pizza, Mexican food, or brownies. I know that I need support and accountability. I know that I have to be honest with myself. I know that the one thing I want more than anything is to be IN my life, not watching my life. I know that it won’t come easy and only I can do this. No one else is going to hand me food for the rest of my life all measured out and counted up. I know that it is a commitment for every day and every moment that I live.

Today I work on a plan. A plan of action. I work on it like I do a recipe. I add things, I take away things and I measure things, until I get it right. I learn what works for me and what doesn’t. I allow myself to get discouraged and then I allow myself to get right back up and do it all over again.