I started my "fast" yesterday. Basically I am on shakes - at least 3 a day; 2 prepackaged entrees; and 5 fruits and vegetables. I need to lose 25 pounds before the surgery and am cutting it close but believe it is doable. My weight was 351 when I weighed this afternoon with the bariatric coordinator. It was 357 when I was at the surgeon's office so at least I am down some. I figure I will lose about 8-10 lbs this week.
In addition I need to up the exercise. I have been doing pretty minimal amounts so far and every bit at this point will help.
I am excited and the time feels all at once like it is too slow and too fast. It's crazy! I hope to be a much healthier happier slimmer me by this time next year :)
Monday, December 15, 2008
Friday, December 5, 2008
32 Days to Go
In 32 days I will be walking down the hallway on my way to surgery. I am nervous. I am excited. I am anxious. I am afraid - afraid of failure. I haven't been successful at other diets. What if this is more of the same? What if I don't lose? What if I do - then can't handle it and gain it all back? Am I ready for attention both positive and negative because of my choice to have weight loss surgery? Am I ready to make the commitment and be accountable for every bite, every morsel that crosses my lips for the rest of my life? Will it negatively affect my friendships?
People I have told will be watching. They will watch every bite, every drink. They will watch to see how much I lose and where I am losing it from. They will give their unsolicited opinions on what I should and shouldn't do. They will ask personal questions and feel like the deserve an answer. Some will think I took the easy way. Those people will wait to see me gain the weight again.
Deep breath...close my eyes...relax. For years I have wanted to have the surgery. Now is the right time. I can only be accountable for myself - not for others. I have a WONDERFUL spouse. He is there for support and has been a shoulder whenever I have needed one in the past. This WILL NOT change. He may change as our relationship will change - for the better I think. We will be more active. I can do more without fear. Fear of other people. Fear of not fitting in booths, rides, stalls, seats on planes, etc. This gives us a chance to go out and live together without my weight holding us back.
In just 32 days I will start a new journey.
People I have told will be watching. They will watch every bite, every drink. They will watch to see how much I lose and where I am losing it from. They will give their unsolicited opinions on what I should and shouldn't do. They will ask personal questions and feel like the deserve an answer. Some will think I took the easy way. Those people will wait to see me gain the weight again.
Deep breath...close my eyes...relax. For years I have wanted to have the surgery. Now is the right time. I can only be accountable for myself - not for others. I have a WONDERFUL spouse. He is there for support and has been a shoulder whenever I have needed one in the past. This WILL NOT change. He may change as our relationship will change - for the better I think. We will be more active. I can do more without fear. Fear of other people. Fear of not fitting in booths, rides, stalls, seats on planes, etc. This gives us a chance to go out and live together without my weight holding us back.
In just 32 days I will start a new journey.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Weight Loss Surgery
Last October I went to a seminar on WLS. I had been contemplating it for several years (and no not because of the whole Carnie Wilson craze) but because it seemed like a useful tool for my severe problem. However fear of not knowing more about it and wanting to make sure it was a last resort kept me from pursuing it further.
Well finally in 10/07 I thought I am 32 years old. I had promised myself I would have lost 100lbs by the time I was 30 and it didn't happen. What have I got to lose? I went it with scepticism but an open mind to hear and learn about WLS. I had been to this clinic prior when I was on a shake only diet (not successful as who doesn't want to eventually eat and when you are looking at 200 pounds to lose only having shakes ????). At the end of the seminar I was impressed. I mean really impressed. There has been so much research and gastric bypass has come even further than it was just 5 short years ago.
I began attending nutrition classes - starting weight 326. I started monthly classes in November '07 and continued those until May '08. Also in November I started gastric bypass classes - those ended in March '08. The education was great. The people were supportive.
Then came the insurance debate. Will they cover? Will they pay? I got my first denial letter - and ate myself into a frenzy. Six months of hard work and NOW they won't pay!!! I was frustrated and angry and stuffed the feelings with mozzarella cheese sticks, hamburgers, tacos, potato chips...whatever I could get my sticky little fingers on. Over the summer I continued to battle with insurance all the while continuing to eat.
During class I had lost about 14 lbs - I put that back on plus another pile of pounds. In September I wrote a letter to the bariatric coordinator and told her of my frustration and that communication and ceased from them - I wanted the surgery - I paid for classes - I was ready to go...then it felt like all the other diets - a failure - only I'd never been given the chance to succeed.
Well folks last Saturday after much debating again with insurance they have decided that I am a worthy candidate!!!!!!!!!! Of course, now I have all this excess weight to lose before the procedure. I have steps left to complete to prepare me further. But I am ready. This battle is my last one.
Well finally in 10/07 I thought I am 32 years old. I had promised myself I would have lost 100lbs by the time I was 30 and it didn't happen. What have I got to lose? I went it with scepticism but an open mind to hear and learn about WLS. I had been to this clinic prior when I was on a shake only diet (not successful as who doesn't want to eventually eat and when you are looking at 200 pounds to lose only having shakes ????). At the end of the seminar I was impressed. I mean really impressed. There has been so much research and gastric bypass has come even further than it was just 5 short years ago.
I began attending nutrition classes - starting weight 326. I started monthly classes in November '07 and continued those until May '08. Also in November I started gastric bypass classes - those ended in March '08. The education was great. The people were supportive.
Then came the insurance debate. Will they cover? Will they pay? I got my first denial letter - and ate myself into a frenzy. Six months of hard work and NOW they won't pay!!! I was frustrated and angry and stuffed the feelings with mozzarella cheese sticks, hamburgers, tacos, potato chips...whatever I could get my sticky little fingers on. Over the summer I continued to battle with insurance all the while continuing to eat.
During class I had lost about 14 lbs - I put that back on plus another pile of pounds. In September I wrote a letter to the bariatric coordinator and told her of my frustration and that communication and ceased from them - I wanted the surgery - I paid for classes - I was ready to go...then it felt like all the other diets - a failure - only I'd never been given the chance to succeed.
Well folks last Saturday after much debating again with insurance they have decided that I am a worthy candidate!!!!!!!!!! Of course, now I have all this excess weight to lose before the procedure. I have steps left to complete to prepare me further. But I am ready. This battle is my last one.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Taking Ownership
Ownership? Of what you might ask. Of yourself I would reply. I have been a renter. A renter of my body. I treat it with no care as to the lasting effects - all the while thinking someday it will be presentable to the world. No more. I want and I will be an OWNER. This is MY body, MY life. I have to maintain it the way I would a house - fix things when they are broke. Maintain things before they go to "pot" Right now - it's run down and unfortunately a little Spackle and some paint aren't going to solve my problems. I need a renovation! I am going to start by being excited about the prospect of unveiling a new and better part - even when it's a little at a time. It's not about the scale, the numbers, the size. It's about what I want to see - how I want to live. Live - in THIS body.
Continuing on ... one day at a time!
Continuing on ... one day at a time!
Monday, September 29, 2008
A Plan of Action
I look over pictures of all these thin and beautiful women, and I just think to myself, “how can my husband love someone my size? How can he find me the least bit attractive?” There is nothing about me that is sexy or appealing. I used to feel okay about myself, not great, but okay. Now I look and I am just so disgusted. I think I have given up sometimes when I look in the mirror and I catch a glimpse of the small frightened girl still struggling to break through the fat. I give up on so many things – what exactly am I afraid of? I think it would be easier to just not eat. But then like a robot I am reaching for the food. I push all thoughts of calories, fat, etc, out of my mind and I just gorge. Then I ignore it and hope silently and madly that it will all just melt away. Is it the hard work that I can’t do? Maybe I am that lazy. I look at pictures over and over and think “if only”. If only I could have that collarbone. If only I could have those arms. If only I could see what my face would look like thin. I am surrounded by fat. Who sees the real me? How can they with all this fat surrounding me?
So again I make the choice. The choice to act. What left haven’t I tried? Let’s see…
- Weight Watchers…check. Too bad they don’t give key chains out for joining 5 times.
- Atkins…check. Something had to be wrong with a diet that let me have bacon cheeseburgers.
- SlimFast… check. Exactly what counts as a sensible meal?
- Pills (of all kinds, shapes, prescription, non-prescription)…check. Damn testimonials. Gets me every time.
- HMR…check. Hmmm… 500 calories a day, all liquid? Who would ever need to eat again?
- South Beach…check. I didn’t even know they made tortillas smaller than a CD!
- Beverly Hills Diet…check. Fruit is expensive! Especially when it is all you can eat.
- Richard Simmons…check. I moved cards. Closed windows. Shook my booty to Sweatin’ to the Oldies. And cried when the weight came back.
- Body for Life…check. Worked out 6 days a week. Ate a balance of protein and carbs with some fat. Went to New Orleans 70 lbs. down – never returned to gym when I got home. Later thought how the hell did I get up 6 days a week at 4:30 am?
- 6Week Body Makeover…check. Blueprinted myself. Type A. Basically the fattest. Got to eat fish and more fish. Veggies and more veggies. Hmmm…could have saved $200.
- Jenny Craig…check. Got weighed in by a size 3. She smiled and patted my head. “I used to be heavy,” she whispers to me. She shows me her “fat” picture. A wink. “22 pounds gone forever.” She tells me. Huh. Wow.
- Fasting…check. Okay until I got so dizzy I passed out. Guess we can’t do this one forever.
- Starvation…half check. Well obviously that one didn’t work too long.
- PratiCAL…check. Let’s see, do you really mean I can have any prepackaged meal under 300 calories for lunch every day? Yippee! And reward myself with yogurt or a piece of fruit every afternoon? You are too kind.
- Online weight meetings, support groups, website buddies…check. Consensus : 3 motivated people who have lost over 65 lbs., 100 people asking them how they did it, 2 people who really do write you back but stop as soon as they have a bad day.
So what remains for someone like myself? I have tried and failed at dozens and dozens of diets. It is not to say that any of the above don’t work. They didn’t work for me. I needed something else. Something that I didn’t get from any one program, book, doctor visit, or lesson. I needed to know myself. What can I realistically do for the rest of my life? I am never going to stay away from pizza, Mexican food, or brownies. I know that I need support and accountability. I know that I have to be honest with myself. I know that the one thing I want more than anything is to be IN my life, not watching my life. I know that it won’t come easy and only I can do this. No one else is going to hand me food for the rest of my life all measured out and counted up. I know that it is a commitment for every day and every moment that I live.
Today I work on a plan. A plan of action. I work on it like I do a recipe. I add things, I take away things and I measure things, until I get it right. I learn what works for me and what doesn’t. I allow myself to get discouraged and then I allow myself to get right back up and do it all over again.
So again I make the choice. The choice to act. What left haven’t I tried? Let’s see…
- Weight Watchers…check. Too bad they don’t give key chains out for joining 5 times.
- Atkins…check. Something had to be wrong with a diet that let me have bacon cheeseburgers.
- SlimFast… check. Exactly what counts as a sensible meal?
- Pills (of all kinds, shapes, prescription, non-prescription)…check. Damn testimonials. Gets me every time.
- HMR…check. Hmmm… 500 calories a day, all liquid? Who would ever need to eat again?
- South Beach…check. I didn’t even know they made tortillas smaller than a CD!
- Beverly Hills Diet…check. Fruit is expensive! Especially when it is all you can eat.
- Richard Simmons…check. I moved cards. Closed windows. Shook my booty to Sweatin’ to the Oldies. And cried when the weight came back.
- Body for Life…check. Worked out 6 days a week. Ate a balance of protein and carbs with some fat. Went to New Orleans 70 lbs. down – never returned to gym when I got home. Later thought how the hell did I get up 6 days a week at 4:30 am?
- 6Week Body Makeover…check. Blueprinted myself. Type A. Basically the fattest. Got to eat fish and more fish. Veggies and more veggies. Hmmm…could have saved $200.
- Jenny Craig…check. Got weighed in by a size 3. She smiled and patted my head. “I used to be heavy,” she whispers to me. She shows me her “fat” picture. A wink. “22 pounds gone forever.” She tells me. Huh. Wow.
- Fasting…check. Okay until I got so dizzy I passed out. Guess we can’t do this one forever.
- Starvation…half check. Well obviously that one didn’t work too long.
- PratiCAL…check. Let’s see, do you really mean I can have any prepackaged meal under 300 calories for lunch every day? Yippee! And reward myself with yogurt or a piece of fruit every afternoon? You are too kind.
- Online weight meetings, support groups, website buddies…check. Consensus : 3 motivated people who have lost over 65 lbs., 100 people asking them how they did it, 2 people who really do write you back but stop as soon as they have a bad day.
So what remains for someone like myself? I have tried and failed at dozens and dozens of diets. It is not to say that any of the above don’t work. They didn’t work for me. I needed something else. Something that I didn’t get from any one program, book, doctor visit, or lesson. I needed to know myself. What can I realistically do for the rest of my life? I am never going to stay away from pizza, Mexican food, or brownies. I know that I need support and accountability. I know that I have to be honest with myself. I know that the one thing I want more than anything is to be IN my life, not watching my life. I know that it won’t come easy and only I can do this. No one else is going to hand me food for the rest of my life all measured out and counted up. I know that it is a commitment for every day and every moment that I live.
Today I work on a plan. A plan of action. I work on it like I do a recipe. I add things, I take away things and I measure things, until I get it right. I learn what works for me and what doesn’t. I allow myself to get discouraged and then I allow myself to get right back up and do it all over again.
Friday, September 26, 2008
The Weigh I am and the Way I Want to Be
So I am more than plump. More than the dreaded F word. I am obese, morbidly obese. How sick does that sound? I am killing my life with fat. I can’t participate in so many things because of my size. I want to do things. Little things. Everyday things. Cross my legs. Walk in a restaurant and not worry if I will fit in the chair or the booth. Shop in a normal store. A store where I am not going immediately to the largest size and seeing if the “number” is high enough to fit me. I want to go to the beach and not worry about what I am wearing or what other people are thinking. I want to walk in a room and not search out other fat woman so I won’t feel so out of place or hope like hell that I am not the “fattest” one there. I want to be able to go to new places and not be so worried that I make myself sick wondering it they have one of those turnstiles and praying like hell that if they do “please just let me fit.” I want to go to an amusement park and ride a ride. Not tell people “I just don’t like to do that.”
Funny, I say that a lot about things. I don’t really like to shop. I don’t really like to go to clubs and dance. I don’t really like to fly. I don’t really like…. There is always something. But the truth is I have stopped my life for fat. It has taken over me and controls what I do, when I do it, and how long I can do it.
Now I am so very tired. Tired of counting calories, fat grams, carbs, or points. Tired of starting each Monday morning with hope that this time will be different. This time something has changed. Only to get to Wednesday and hear the same self doubting thoughts play in my head about failing. Tired of pills, shakes, prepackaged meals. Tired of empty promises made by ads telling me how fast, how quick the weight will melt off. Tired of looking in the mirror and hating what I see. Tired of holding on to the belief that if I try just one more thing it will work. I am just tired.
Don’t get me wrong. I want to be slim. I do. I want all those little things in life. Having my husbands arms fit around me. Seeing the line of my jaw. Walking with nothing jiggling that shouldn’t be jiggling. Tucking in my shirts. Wearing a belt that doesn’t disappear into a fat roll. Sliding into a pair of jeans and not thinking about how tight they will be later if I eat. Painting my own toenails again. Fitting in an airline seat without the extender for the seatbelt. And maybe, just maybe, loving the me that I see in the mirror.
Funny, I say that a lot about things. I don’t really like to shop. I don’t really like to go to clubs and dance. I don’t really like to fly. I don’t really like…. There is always something. But the truth is I have stopped my life for fat. It has taken over me and controls what I do, when I do it, and how long I can do it.
Now I am so very tired. Tired of counting calories, fat grams, carbs, or points. Tired of starting each Monday morning with hope that this time will be different. This time something has changed. Only to get to Wednesday and hear the same self doubting thoughts play in my head about failing. Tired of pills, shakes, prepackaged meals. Tired of empty promises made by ads telling me how fast, how quick the weight will melt off. Tired of looking in the mirror and hating what I see. Tired of holding on to the belief that if I try just one more thing it will work. I am just tired.
Don’t get me wrong. I want to be slim. I do. I want all those little things in life. Having my husbands arms fit around me. Seeing the line of my jaw. Walking with nothing jiggling that shouldn’t be jiggling. Tucking in my shirts. Wearing a belt that doesn’t disappear into a fat roll. Sliding into a pair of jeans and not thinking about how tight they will be later if I eat. Painting my own toenails again. Fitting in an airline seat without the extender for the seatbelt. And maybe, just maybe, loving the me that I see in the mirror.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Moving slowly is better than not moving at all...
So as the title states just s-l-o-w-l-y plowing ahead. I want so bad to be at the end (not that it will probably be any easier to maintain) but I can't wait to show the world all I can do that my weight is holding me back from doing. I want to be my best.
I have been trying to look at it this way...today, tomorrow, next week, next year...they all pass, irregardless if I do something or not. So why waste the time I have?
So my head definitely is on the right track. However my stomach...not really following along. I start thinking of food and can't seem to stop until I taste whatever my latest craving is...the longer I wait, the more I end up shoving in. All the while telling myself that this is the very last and I mean very last time I am going to do that!
Currently I am more like one day on - one day off - one day on - one day off...and well... you get the picture. I feel tired and disappointed when I don't see the scale move and question the effort I put in - I know I know - it takes time. Plow ahead and results will come!
Well chin up big girl. Daily planning - easy enough was the first step and we are going to work on that until we have it right.
This weekend I plan on cleaning my kitchen out of all the junk I need to avoid (that crazy binge food for me). I don't really think there are bad / good foods but there are definitely foods I can't seem to have a normal portion of...like brownies...hmmm yummy chocolaty fudgy brownies. I don't eat one and go well that was good, let's put the rest away. I have one then start thinking about how I can sneak back into the kitchen and cut off a small piece so no one will notice. Funny how those cravings never seem to be of something healthy - I can't remember the last time I snuck into the kitchen to sneak a piece of broccoli. LOL
Okay
1) Plan my day
2) Clean out my kitchen of those "trigger" foods
~Raising water glass in toast~ Here we go on our way....one day at a time :)
I have been trying to look at it this way...today, tomorrow, next week, next year...they all pass, irregardless if I do something or not. So why waste the time I have?
So my head definitely is on the right track. However my stomach...not really following along. I start thinking of food and can't seem to stop until I taste whatever my latest craving is...the longer I wait, the more I end up shoving in. All the while telling myself that this is the very last and I mean very last time I am going to do that!
Currently I am more like one day on - one day off - one day on - one day off...and well... you get the picture. I feel tired and disappointed when I don't see the scale move and question the effort I put in - I know I know - it takes time. Plow ahead and results will come!
Well chin up big girl. Daily planning - easy enough was the first step and we are going to work on that until we have it right.
This weekend I plan on cleaning my kitchen out of all the junk I need to avoid (that crazy binge food for me). I don't really think there are bad / good foods but there are definitely foods I can't seem to have a normal portion of...like brownies...hmmm yummy chocolaty fudgy brownies. I don't eat one and go well that was good, let's put the rest away. I have one then start thinking about how I can sneak back into the kitchen and cut off a small piece so no one will notice. Funny how those cravings never seem to be of something healthy - I can't remember the last time I snuck into the kitchen to sneak a piece of broccoli. LOL
Okay
1) Plan my day
2) Clean out my kitchen of those "trigger" foods
~Raising water glass in toast~ Here we go on our way....one day at a time :)
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